Learning to live alone: The dumb shit I've learned the hard way.

My first solo night at the house. I come home from work. Try and open the screen door and it appears locked. Later I found out it wasn't locked just stuck. Stuck really well. So I attempt to pull, and pull, nothing... Fuck. What do I do? 

Back door... Pretty sure the chain is going to be on the back door. I'll try anyway. Maybe I will get lucky and mom forgot. The screen door on the sunroom was not locked... (Remember that statement right there... One more time the screen door to the sunroom was unlocked) 

I unlock the back door and just as I had suspected... Chain is in place... Shit, shit, shit what do I do?

Call mom. 

Why? She is 2.5 hours away what can she really do? 

Calm me down. Call mom. 

....

"Well did you pull it really hard? We didn't lock it."

"Yes I am using my whole body." 

"Go see if your neighbor can help." 

"Okay"

....

Neighbor comes to help. 

"Nope that's stuck... That happened with our screen door and we had to bust the screen and then had to pay to replace it. I got a crow bar if you can't find a window to get into."

Oh a window! Please let there be a window open. Living room windows all locked. I come around to the sunroom which is all Windows. Okay one of these HAS to be open! There is only 9 to choose from...First one I try. Open!! Omg yes! I get the window open... The screen didn't cooperate as well. At this point I didn't care.. I'll just replace the screen. So I precede to bust the screen down. Climb through the window and I get into the sunroom. 

My immediate thought, I hadn't even fully gotten my body through the window.... "Really.... You idiot... The screen door was OPEN!! Now I am right back to were I started.. Except I have a busted screen for absolutely no reason.

I seriously just broke into my own house, 5 minutes after I had already established that I could get into the screen room through the door!

Finally I was able to mess with the chain on the back door until I managed to get it undone. However happy I was that I got into my house... Now I know it's not all that hard to break in. 

Life's second lesson of the night... Yes there are two completely embarrassing stories to my first night. 

I decide to heat up some dinner. And because I don't have a microwave and can no longer just eat popcorn... I had to use the stove. Not a big deal. Unless your me. 

So I am heating up some stew (which my momma made and left for me) decided I wanted to toast my roll. Again not a big deal. Toasting bread is about the only thing I can accomplish in the oven. At least I thought so anyway. 

Put my rolls in. A few minutes pass. Stew is nice and warm. Check the rolls... perfectly brown. Go to take them out of the oven...

Fuck! No oven mit... No towel in site... Nothing is unpacked!! Again panic. 

Needless to say I found the oven mit before it was a complete disaster... I didn't want to eat the top of my roll anyway. 

This my friends is just the beginning to this new adventure I am on. Since I have a good bit of extra time on my hands you all get to laugh with me along this crazy, beautiful journey....And the memoir begins. <3

When the page turns

I sat down and took a break from all the boxes and tape. 

I've spent weeks dreading packing. Feel so low into the ground that I could barely get off the couch. Trying to convince myself that I'm strong enough to do this. Begging and pleading. 

When I looked around. I felt the lump in my throat. I'm not going to do it. Don't do it. 

Something clicked and all of a sudden felt right. The lump faded and I took a deep breath. With every piece of material "stuff" I place in a box I'm closing a chapter. Saying goodbye to the past. 

Certain things make it into a box and certain things make their way to the trash. I don't need reminders. I have my memory for that. 

I can't help but smile tonight. It's so exciting to be starting a whole new life. Wondering what lyes around the corner. The daydreams of the future. 

Here's to healing. Here's to growing. Here's to being a better me than I was yesterday. Here's to new beginnings. 

I'm ready for whatever you have in store for me life. <3

Alone vs. Lonely

I want to embrace this moment... For all its worth, this moment of painstaking, gut wrenching loneliness. Feeling lonely is an emotion I have never really felt before in my life. I have always been blessed with close friends that I have known for years. Ones that are always there to pick me up when I fall. Ones I fight with and love with, ones that I haven't spoken with in years and we can pick back up right where we left off. That is what reminds me that I am not alone. 

Being alone... And being lonely are two separates. Yes they can overlap. But I know I am not alone. 

Being lonely... However, is the gut wrenching feeling I am talking about. Maybe it's the move to Asheville. Not having those really close best friends in person at your house....making you forget about all your troubles. That is where the lonely comes in. 

Anyway, back to the moment I want to embrace. As I'm sitting here, in the silence, using my 45lb fur baby as a pillow. I started to listen to her heartbeat. It was calm and relaxing. It was refreshing to lay here and embrace the subtle beating of another heart. 

I started to remember what it was like to have a human to cuddle with... And that's when I started to feel lonely. Don't get me wrong... My dogs save my life everyday. I can't imagine what loneliness would feel like without them. It's already suffocating. 

Just to be in the presence of someone else. Watching tv. Cooking dinner together, Cuddling. Just being fucking simple. 

I can handle alone. And I am doing my best to learn how to embrace and cherish this time of loneliness. Every emotion you feel, good or bad, should be embraced. It's how you channel those emotions that shape who you are as a person. But believe me when I tell you, it's not easy to do at all. It's painful, its awful, and it's nauseating at times... But you have to remember that it is building character. It is building your strength and leading you to your next fate.