Weaving our life's flow of ebbs

"When we feel we must retreat, we learn the greatest lessons of our life's destiny"

The sun and the moon rise and fall together. They mirror each other with the perfect combination of light and dark. Kissing the horizon with each new day. Allowing the glistening rays of the sun to shine into our waterfall that is our soul.

Every new day builds us up, and just like the rising sun we allow our light to shine into the souls we meet for the day. Building a web of connections to create a web of a "home."

Home is not where we plant our roots, it's not where we buy a house and sit stationary while we grow old. Home is the network of each thread we connect from our soul to another. While some of these connections are very temporary, they still remain. They still come with a storyline. A work connection, a stranger at a gas station connection (click here for another blog post on that ;) http://lifeflysb.blogspot.com/2016/06/the-man-at-gas-station-truth-of.html A connection to teach us what we don't want, or maybe just what we need. Some threads continue to expand, and intertwine along life with us. They build layers one thread at a time to form a thick bond that could never be destroyed. Never think too lightly about the people who pass into our lives. Every single being, no matter if they are human, or an animal, or a soul we cannot physically see, all mean something more than we might recognize in the current moment in time. All we need to know is they are there to keep our web full, and strong enough to withstand any storm that might come our way. The greatest lesson to learn is that a web can be taken down, it can be rebuilt day after night. Just like that spider, we take our "home" wherever we may go. Execute life with nothing but the intention of love, and that my dear soul, is where we find "home."

The Man at the Gas Station: The Truth of Universal Signs

I have never really been the type of person to hold a conversation with strangers. However over the last month or so, I am finding that people who cross my path, even in the most ordinary places, are inclined to start a conversation with me. It is funny how signs manifest themselves when you are actually spiritually awake enough to recognize these moments.

As an awake Lightworker I actually love when these types of situations play out. Not that this encounter was anything “ball busting eye opening,” but just the fact that it happened. That some mysterious person at a gas station, at the same time as me, wanted to have a conversation. It was definitely a universal sign to remember to always recognize and acknowledge the people that cross our paths. They could have messages for us from whatever “source” we believe in. Or they could be friendly reminders that we are not alone during those times when we feel the most alone.

So I was getting gas on Friday, the only additional stop outside of my daily commute that I have made since arriving in Virginia. The guy pulls in behind me and starts his own pump. He sees my NC license plate and asks, “What part of North Carolina?” I tell him just outside of the Asheville area, and he says “No kidding, I used to live out in Asheville, so are you just travelling through?” As positive as I could possibly make my voice at the time I stated, “No, I just moved here for a job,” At that point he responded “Oh, I’m sorry.” Trying my best to chuckle about it, all I could manage to say back to him was, “yeah, me too”

The most interesting part of the rest of the conversation came when he started talking about the Asheville music scene, and how there is nothing around here that even closely compares to the music you find in Asheville. Music for me is a huge part of my life. Not just because I write lyrics but seeing live bands and singers in small venues is one of my favorite past times. There is nothing more touching to life than watching a talented musician sing and play from their heart. I don’t even need to know the singer, or the band and I will be filled with some kind of unexplainable joy that comes right from the center of my heart. Music is a part of who I am, it resonates with me from the core of my being. I use music to find healing in life when it gets tough. I was the 12 year old kid who cried her eyes out at a Melissa Etheridge concert and had no idea why.

After leaving the gas station, and for the rest of my commute home, I found myself a bit sad after this conversation with the stranger at the gas station. But I really believe he was a reminder of the life I love. It made me miss home, but also gave me the courage to remember this move is only temporary, I won’t be here forever, and it is okay to miss the comfort zone of the life I had to leave.

So to the man at the gas station, thank you for our conversation, thank you for the 10 minute reminder that I am not alone, and thank you for the material you gave me to write this blog.

Always remember to appreciate our random encounters, they may not be as random as we think. They could come from our angels at just the right moment. They are friendly reminders that the path we are on is the right place to be. Just hang in there and let our messages guide us one step further.

All my light and love

When we Feed our Soul, and Surrender our Ego

I know when most people think of the word “Surrender” they associate that with failure, or giving up. But what if I told you, what most people don’t realize is that when we surrender, in the right frame of mind (as in let our ego sh*t go)… we are making an offering to the Divine? We are actually allowing our universe to be as it should.

The current problems, or worries that have been nagging at us from the inside…

The job we want...

The worries of financial abundance...

The love we want…

The weight we want to be…

Anything that might come to mind when we sit down at the end of the night and ponder each thought we might have of life, these are all things we are worrying about. These are all things as humans we try to control. When we try to control something, the only thing we are actually doing is allowing it to control us. When it comes to matters of life these things or ideas of what we want have to be acknowledged from a level of our soul. So to truly give peace to our worries, and manifest the truest path into our reality, we must surrender what we want.

The universe and the Divine power of the “you” inside is always working, and looking out for our highest good. The things that we don’t get in life, right now, are put there for 2 reasons: The first is what we must surrender, and the second is the reason why.

1.      That isn’t the path that is intended for us---No matter what steps we take in an attempt to get the things we want, we will still end up back on the original journey of our destiny. Yes we do have the conscious choice to make (or force) whatever we want into existence, but think of it as a detour, we are only prolonging the original outcome of our actual highest good. Make the decision to surrender, and allow each moment, in the present, to play out as it should. When we practice this we can rest assured that it will be the quickest way to get from point A to point B. That time in between A and B is the only time we have to learn whatever life lessons we must learn before point B can work, for our highest good. Confusing, I know… and far from easy. But we must allow it, we must surrender whatever it is. During that time we should be paying attentions to the signs we are receiving from the universe, what are they trying to tell us? Those signs hold small insight into the lessons we must learn before what we want will become a reality. If it is not for our highest good then we must trust our option B will actually be better than what we originally thought.

2.       It is not the right time---We all came here with a purpose for our life. There are things, or contracts if you will, that have to be honored during our time on this earth. When we surrender our wants, we allow the path to be free and clear. It may not come today, tomorrow, or a week from now. But if it is for our highest good… it will come. So why sit here in pain and agony, letting ourselves be consumed in all the ‘worries’ of our world. Allow it to be. Allow it to grow and flourish into everything we need it to be. Our true and divine self will bring it to us in the exact time it should. At that time it will be better than we could have ever imagined. In the meantime, don’t view this time as a waiting period, we are not ‘waiting’ for anything, we are simply letting the path be the path it was always going to be. The trick to finding peace during this time is to be mindful and conscious of the current day we are experiencing… right now, this moment, this hour, and in this very minute. If we are showing gratitude to what is happening now, we are finding the peace inside ourselves. We can’t possibly notice the signs if we are busy living in any future moment that has not happened yet.

I’ll give an example from my own life. My writing. I keep sitting here worrying and stressing about, “Should I take classes?” , “ I need to find some specific direction, or my “muse” to narrow down what I want to write about.” , “Will anyone take me seriously because I have no “certification” or piece of paper that gives me some kind of credit. When actually the truth of the matter is, the words are just inside of me. Every day, and every moment I am learning new lessons, some that just need to be wrote about. If I surrender my fears that no one will read my post, or no one will understand what I am trying to say. Then I can actually sit and just write. There are billions of people in this world, and someone, somewhere is going to read this blog and it may, or may not, change their outlook on life. To be honest I have no control over that. That is not my worry to bare. My only control is that I surrender my fear of the outcome, and my burning want to be a writer, and I just write. If no one comes, then I keep writing about the next idea that pops into my head. For my highest good to be honored all I have to do is keep writing. The only worry I should be having at this moment is the fact that I am sitting here at 1:30am rambling on. I am surrendering to the fact that in this very moment I am building, I am taking a step into my life, just like every other moment, and regardless, my Divine is still going to take me to all the same places, even if I was to choose to do something else right now. The only thing your choices change, is the timing.

What we are accomplishing by surrendering is displaying courage and trust. Courage for ourselves, and trust in our own Divine universe. It takes a great deal of courage to allow ourselves to trust what we cannot see. With that courage we can remind ourselves, when our ego mind pops up, that we are on the right path. We are always on the right path. Some paths just have more detours than others, and that is okay too. Those detours are our life’s lessons. After all, how fun could life be if we all stayed in a straight line?

Don’t sweat the small stuff beautiful souls, you are doing great. Believe in you, the true and divine you. Believe in love, the kind that comes from within, and my god believe in the magic.

All my Light and Love.

When being lost is the best way to find yourself

The truth to that statement is so real, but to many it hardly makes sense.

When your lost you are actually on the verge of a break through. Struggle can only be temporary, but it's your job to truly understand that.

When you feel lost it seems like all your wants, dreams, direction, and desires have just shit right out the window. That is when you actually start to listen to what is in your soul.

You take a deep breath and you dig deep inside yourself to pull out what your heart and soul really want you to know. Being lost is the exact time your soul will begin to speak to you, all you have to do is listen.

Put your fears down, put your ego down, and give in to that voice inside of you that knows what is true.

Remember, you are not lost, you are aligning with your mind, body, spirit, heart, and soul.

With all my light and love <3

Placing the pieces of life's puzzle

I find it strange to sit and wonder just where life is planning to take you. Thinking back through all my moves. Took my first breath of air in central NY, had dreams to live in the south, to play volleyball in college, so I moved to SC my senior year in high school. Thankfully with the support of my mother's. Did the college thing, always kind of thought it was pointless. Got a decent job to get me through some of the tougher times in my life. Worked my way up in the company. At one point I truly thought that I would never leave that place.

But then I was offered another job, 7 hours away from all that I have known. Still too soon to know if it was a "better" job. But it allows me to eat, and make sure my Luna can eat. Allows me to have a place to stay and a bed to sleep in. Gives me a place to be for 8 hours a day. Until I come home and scribble down all these thoughts and spill all of all the sh*t that runs through my head.

Then I find comfort in knowing this is just another piece of the puzzle to this crazy, and beautiful life. At the end of the day I know I can actually go anywhere. The hard part is settling your mind to understand that the next piece isn't going to fit your puzzle until you actually find that piece, and you turn it one side at a time checking to see if this is the way it goes. If it doesn't fit you keep looking for another piece, and another.

So this current piece that just lined up is just another part of the bigger picture. Piece by piece you watch it come together.

I can't help but wonder where the next couple of pieces will take me. Daydream about where I want to go next, or where my next opportunity will take me. But at least I will know at the end of each day, I can close my eyes and enjoy the journey.

All my light and love <3

Misery's on you.

Life is what you allow it to be. When days are low and you take the wrong turn, fight to find joy in the moments that went right. Was your first sip of coffee exactly what you needed it be? If that's the only good thing that happened then find a piece of happiness in that cup of coffee. When you orbit around believing that the day is horrible that is what you will attract. Each person you come in contact with will feel a piece of what your putting into the universe.  Your affecting your surroundings. Only you control your day. If you don't like the situation then change your perspective. The things that happen to you are only parts of the big picture, every moment is a lesson that is preparing you for the next. When you're too busy worrying about all of the shit you lose sight of the big picture. You lose a moment you could spend happy, those are the moments that you cannot recover. It's a moment you have completely wasted. Moments are gifts that come and go... Find gratitude in those moments and life will bring you a better direction. 

Envisioning a silhouette

People always talk about love at first sight. What if the truth behind that is the person you have loved all your life. That "ideal" imaginary person you have spent daydreaming about. The one that you aren't sure even exists but in your imagination of your own hopes and dreams, it is the shadow of the person standing by your side. You have spent your life falling in love with this "perfect" person. Meeting others along the way that must serve the purpose of teaching you important life lessons before you can take those steps closer to the "her" you have always loved. However they never fully fulfilled that entire silhouette of what you had hoped for. 

We all have had these visions (well most of us). A black silhouette of another human that we know would be absolutely a dream come true. What color their eyes are, how their hairs fall on their face. How they hold all the same passions that you have always held. 

When you hear someone say "it was love at first sight," what they really mean is when the two souls passed each other they were instantly connected. They had already loved each other before they even met. They had been dreaming of one another. Imagining their mannerisms and attributes. Those who say they don't believe in love at first sight have never dug deep into what that truly means. The deep soul dreams you should have in your heart. 

My Kate, when I walked into that crowded restaurant I didn't know who you would be. As I stepped through the door and I saw you sitting there I felt an instant fire. The way you sat sideways on the stool, leg propped up on the second stool. Your hand resting around your beer. Your hair... My god your hair. So much confidence poured from the way you carried yourself. You turned and looked, our eyes met and at that moment our bond formed. A connection that was so strong it sent electricity through my heart and soul. It took one date, and one in depth conversation that night, for me to realize you were my silhouette. Can I say it was "love at first sight?" No, but I knew I had spent my life already loving who you are. 

Learning to live alone: The dumb shit I've learned the hard way.

My first solo night at the house. I come home from work. Try and open the screen door and it appears locked. Later I found out it wasn't locked just stuck. Stuck really well. So I attempt to pull, and pull, nothing... Fuck. What do I do? 

Back door... Pretty sure the chain is going to be on the back door. I'll try anyway. Maybe I will get lucky and mom forgot. The screen door on the sunroom was not locked... (Remember that statement right there... One more time the screen door to the sunroom was unlocked) 

I unlock the back door and just as I had suspected... Chain is in place... Shit, shit, shit what do I do?

Call mom. 

Why? She is 2.5 hours away what can she really do? 

Calm me down. Call mom. 

....

"Well did you pull it really hard? We didn't lock it."

"Yes I am using my whole body." 

"Go see if your neighbor can help." 

"Okay"

....

Neighbor comes to help. 

"Nope that's stuck... That happened with our screen door and we had to bust the screen and then had to pay to replace it. I got a crow bar if you can't find a window to get into."

Oh a window! Please let there be a window open. Living room windows all locked. I come around to the sunroom which is all Windows. Okay one of these HAS to be open! There is only 9 to choose from...First one I try. Open!! Omg yes! I get the window open... The screen didn't cooperate as well. At this point I didn't care.. I'll just replace the screen. So I precede to bust the screen down. Climb through the window and I get into the sunroom. 

My immediate thought, I hadn't even fully gotten my body through the window.... "Really.... You idiot... The screen door was OPEN!! Now I am right back to were I started.. Except I have a busted screen for absolutely no reason.

I seriously just broke into my own house, 5 minutes after I had already established that I could get into the screen room through the door!

Finally I was able to mess with the chain on the back door until I managed to get it undone. However happy I was that I got into my house... Now I know it's not all that hard to break in. 

Life's second lesson of the night... Yes there are two completely embarrassing stories to my first night. 

I decide to heat up some dinner. And because I don't have a microwave and can no longer just eat popcorn... I had to use the stove. Not a big deal. Unless your me. 

So I am heating up some stew (which my momma made and left for me) decided I wanted to toast my roll. Again not a big deal. Toasting bread is about the only thing I can accomplish in the oven. At least I thought so anyway. 

Put my rolls in. A few minutes pass. Stew is nice and warm. Check the rolls... perfectly brown. Go to take them out of the oven...

Fuck! No oven mit... No towel in site... Nothing is unpacked!! Again panic. 

Needless to say I found the oven mit before it was a complete disaster... I didn't want to eat the top of my roll anyway. 

This my friends is just the beginning to this new adventure I am on. Since I have a good bit of extra time on my hands you all get to laugh with me along this crazy, beautiful journey....And the memoir begins. <3

When the page turns

I sat down and took a break from all the boxes and tape. 

I've spent weeks dreading packing. Feel so low into the ground that I could barely get off the couch. Trying to convince myself that I'm strong enough to do this. Begging and pleading. 

When I looked around. I felt the lump in my throat. I'm not going to do it. Don't do it. 

Something clicked and all of a sudden felt right. The lump faded and I took a deep breath. With every piece of material "stuff" I place in a box I'm closing a chapter. Saying goodbye to the past. 

Certain things make it into a box and certain things make their way to the trash. I don't need reminders. I have my memory for that. 

I can't help but smile tonight. It's so exciting to be starting a whole new life. Wondering what lyes around the corner. The daydreams of the future. 

Here's to healing. Here's to growing. Here's to being a better me than I was yesterday. Here's to new beginnings. 

I'm ready for whatever you have in store for me life. <3

Alone vs. Lonely

I want to embrace this moment... For all its worth, this moment of painstaking, gut wrenching loneliness. Feeling lonely is an emotion I have never really felt before in my life. I have always been blessed with close friends that I have known for years. Ones that are always there to pick me up when I fall. Ones I fight with and love with, ones that I haven't spoken with in years and we can pick back up right where we left off. That is what reminds me that I am not alone. 

Being alone... And being lonely are two separates. Yes they can overlap. But I know I am not alone. 

Being lonely... However, is the gut wrenching feeling I am talking about. Maybe it's the move to Asheville. Not having those really close best friends in person at your house....making you forget about all your troubles. That is where the lonely comes in. 

Anyway, back to the moment I want to embrace. As I'm sitting here, in the silence, using my 45lb fur baby as a pillow. I started to listen to her heartbeat. It was calm and relaxing. It was refreshing to lay here and embrace the subtle beating of another heart. 

I started to remember what it was like to have a human to cuddle with... And that's when I started to feel lonely. Don't get me wrong... My dogs save my life everyday. I can't imagine what loneliness would feel like without them. It's already suffocating. 

Just to be in the presence of someone else. Watching tv. Cooking dinner together, Cuddling. Just being fucking simple. 

I can handle alone. And I am doing my best to learn how to embrace and cherish this time of loneliness. Every emotion you feel, good or bad, should be embraced. It's how you channel those emotions that shape who you are as a person. But believe me when I tell you, it's not easy to do at all. It's painful, its awful, and it's nauseating at times... But you have to remember that it is building character. It is building your strength and leading you to your next fate. 

When I run out of nice.

I've been thinking a lot about my own happiness and my own well being. The things that I need in life to be okay. 

Honestly I have never questioned my own happiness. I am well aware of all the beautiful traits I have to offer myself and anyone else. A good job. A roof over my head. Two adorable babies that pick me up anytime I'm feeling down. I love with all of me and to the greatest extent that I am capable of. I care about other people's feelings. I love watching others grow into better people. I love to laugh and smile and see the world as a beautiful place. 

What disappoints me about myself is the fact that I let myself stay on this emotional roller coaster. For what? Just to feel the pain day in and day out? I'm stronger than this bullshit I am being put through. I'm smarter than being strung along like my feelings and my love is a quality you think you can just play with. I'm coming up to my breaking point. The point where there is no fucking returning. I'm better than this situation my life is in.

Cancer tried to knock me down off my pedestal... If I didn't let that happen... I certainly am not going to let you knock me off my pedestal. I don't care how high I put myself in this world... Someone will be strong enough to handle me. 

The pearl that lost its shine

Everything about life is so different. Everything I thought I knew and understood about love has changed. I've spent years believing with all of my heart that I had found the one true pearl that this life had to offer me. 

I always believed that all of the tough times and trials in life was all for the sacrifice of having true love. All the trials of my past were worth going through because I had all that I ever needed. 

Now this next trial has been thrown at me.. Leaving me completely alone and confused about everything I had truly believed I had already figured out. 

I don't know what my future holds, or where I need to begin this next chapter. All I know is I still hold this pearl in my hand. A pearl with no glow, no spark, and no energy left inside of it. It just sits in my hand limp and lifeless. 

I've never felt so much space and distance between two hearts. It's almost suffocating it's so thick. To think that two people who could once talk for hours on end, and have fun no matter what the occasion... Are now on the brink of not even knowing each other. 

Not only do you lose a love but you also lose that best friend that was the happiest part of you. 

None of this is easy... And no one has the answers to these complicated questions. The answers that we do know are options that no one wants to take. At some point in time one heart is going to have to make the next move. There is no longer any "n'sync" in this. It's come down to pure survival of ones sanity. 

When all you want to do is bounce...

I learned at a very young age that life was always going to be full of really hard times... And a lot of pain. I thank all my lucky stars that I had such positive influences present in my life. Without a certain group of people I would have never been able to see the amazing sunshine in the world. These influences gave me the power to learn that there was better things in the world that outweighed the horrible things I endured as a child. It was those "things" that first brought the concept of "armor" into my life. I had to protect myself at all costs. Most of my adult life I have been wearing armor made of steel. As life has progressed and I've grown into an adult I realized that armor only harms you as well. Your so afraid of all the things the "could" happen that you never fully allow anyone in. This is where I realize the mistake I have been making most of my life. 

I had to change the armor. My old armor was holding me back too much. I have decided that the only type of armor I need is made of rubber. Rubber is a material that is still very strong but has the ability to move, and even break or tear. Rubber is also "fixable." All you need is a strong enough patch to mend the imperfection. My rubber may be strong from all that I have endured but my rubber is still vulnerable. The only way to give love and to receive love is by vulnerability. You just have to find comfort that your armor is strong. Through each storm that comes along... You can always repair your armor. 

I've spent my days covering my body in rubber... That way when I do get knocked down, or thrown against the walls... I will always have the ability to bounce back up. 

This is how you learn to love, learn to live, and learn to let people in. Your still safe because you always know you can mend your armor, and still bounce back. 

I can only be a better me than yesterday

I'm strong... But I have weak moments.

I'm beautiful... And a little insecure.

I don't 'need' you... I 'want' you.

I'm outspoken... Yet shy.

I'm independent... But I don't want to be alone.

I will tell you one thing.. Just to see what decision you make on your own.

I'm a lover... And a bigger fighter.

I'm stubborn... But I will compromise.

I'm wise... Yet naive.

I'm passionate... But at times frigid.

I will forgive... But never forget.

I am proud... Yet humble. 

I'm complicated... Yet straightforward.

I don't want to be heard... I want to be understood.

I am me. I'm not perfect. But I am worth something. <3

My top 10 life lessons: Love, Life, and Committed Relationships.

1. To experience true love is always beautiful. - There is nothing in the world that compares connecting with another human being, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

2. If you don't communicate you will never get anywhere.

3. Compromise - There is nothing more rewarding than knowing the happiness of the one you love is essential to your own happiness.

4. Love can be a rough road at times. There are going to be trials... The best way to handle the situation is to take a step back... Breath... And re-focus.

5. Anti-depressants - worst idea ever for me. I'm finally on my last day of getting off of them and I already feel like my head is a bit clearer.

6. If you don't love yourself how can you expect other people to love you. - as my therapist says... "Be kind to yourself" - your human, we all make mistakes, we all learn as we go. Always love yourself first.

7. Forgiveness is the key. - Forgive yourself for your mistakes. You can't take them back. You can only learn from them and grow from them. Just the same, forgive others for their mistakes.

8. Holding a grudge will do nothing but cause more pain, hurt, and suffering. Let. That. Shit. Go.

9. Chances are if you feel lonely in life (or in love) the first place you need to look is within yourself.

10. Life tests are temporary. You don't get to pick the hand your given. But you do get to play the cards you have.

Turning point.

I've been alone for 3 hours just listening to music. Not thinking. Just getting lost in the lyrics in each song. Some sad songs, some angry songs, some happy songs. All emotions I feel daily. I feel that I am at peace with being alone most nights. I'm learning to find my smile in my own ways. I'm ready to let go of the pain, anger, and hurt. I'm ready to forgive myself for my part in the downfall. For me to do that I have to begin to pave my own path. Let go of everything completely, take a deep breath and 100% give everything to fate. I'm laying down my armor. It's time to find my inner self. Find out who Sam is now. Deal with how much I have changed as a person. How much cancer changed me and effected my outlook on life. Life is so short and tomorrow is never promised. Everyday that I am not smiling and being happy is a day I'm never going to get back. Too many days are passing with anger and tears. It's only spinning me in circles. I'm too dizzy to stay on this path.

I've reached the top of the hole... The sun is beating down on my skins Time to pick up that ax and start paving that new path. The path that is filled with self realization that only I define who I am. Only I know who I am. Only I can make myself happy. I have so much love to give. I'm ready to give that love to someone who wants just as much back.... Myself. I'm so proud of the person I have become. I've worked hard to come this far. I've got my dream job... I live in the beautiful mountains of western NC. And my biggest accomplishment is fighting for my life with everything I have. I find joy in helping other people be, and stay inspired. I have come so far in this life of mine. I am at peace with who I am.

Too many times I see and hear people settle for less than they deserve. I have a wild imagination. I have big dreams. In my mind life is just like a fairy tale. I'm a princess. I give love and I give life to others. I have this ability to change peoples life's. I will take a lost soul, show them love, unconditional love, help them find their direction in life. And just like some fairy tales you have to set them free. There is another lost soul in need.... Mine. It's time for me to heal myself. Only because I deserve nothing else. I've watched people love me over the years and I want to feel all that same love within my own soul.